


I'll Hold the Pain

by LetteredConverse (SourSunsOfLonelyClouds)



Category: Pearl Jam
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Song: Release (Pearl Jam)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:00:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24157765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SourSunsOfLonelyClouds/pseuds/LetteredConverse
Summary: A short interpretation of the scenario brought up inPearl Jam Twentyabout the recording of "Release."
Kudos: 7





	I'll Hold the Pain

I feel like I'm a guest in my own head right now. I don't know what I just sang. I have no idea what I just said. All I know is that it fucking hurts, whatever it is.

I escape from the room and run into the hallway, then lean my shoulder against the wall for support. I'm hiding because I'm crying and I don't want to freak the guys out. But I think I'm also hiding from whatever just happened. Whoever I just was for a few minutes there. I don't think I've ever met him before. And that's the strangest experience, because, judging by the way I'm reacting right now, I probably should know him. He probably needs a hug or something.

A minute later I hear someone move into the hallway with me, though I don't turn around to see who it is. They hesitate for a few seconds before asking softly, “Hey man, are you okay?” Finally, I turn and notice it's Jeff. The hallway is poorly lit so I can really only make out the shadows of his face, but he seems sympathetic.

I nod automatically, though it's mostly to convince myself. “Sure,” I say, not wanting to make the situation more awkward. I sniff, giving myself away.

He doesn't say anything for a few long seconds, then nods. “If you need a minute, just...take your time.” I think he's remembering how dedicated I am to this project. I'm surprised that he's still holding me to it, while at the same time he's giving me space. I didn't expect that from him, but I appreciate it.

“Yeah, thanks, I'll...I'll be back in in a second.”

He nods and begins to back out of the hallway. “No worries.”

Once he returns to the studio space, I snort. He was just being nice. But there are a lot of things to worry about, as I am learning the longer I stay here. Right now I'm worrying about the me I've never met but apparently just did a few minutes ago over the course of one song. I don't know if I am that person, or how to _be_ that person. Not to mention if I have to be him _again_ when we play that song live. I don't know if I can be enough for him, and for this band - these guys. I don't know if this is all just dumb luck or some kind of miracle. But either way, at least I know it's happening. At least I know it's real.

After a couple more minutes, I go back into the studio, hoping I take myself with me.


End file.
